Featured, Marriage + Motherhood, Non-Fiction
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How To Trust God Even When He Breaks Your Heart

CHAPTER 1: Just One Stipulation

God betrayed me. 

That’s how I felt when I had my first miscarriage last year. It was the most painful experience that I’ve ever had and I knew that it would happen.

See, sometimes I have this ability, a sort of “foreknowing” that things will happen before they happen.

After the birth of my son in 2019, I knew in my heart that I would never meet my second child, and it created a lot of anxiety about having more children.

The mere thought of miscarriage would cause me to break down so I decided that I never wanted to experience pregnancy ever again.

But there was something in me that knew my mothering journey was not yet complete. I felt a pressing from God that we were to continue building our family.

So, I put my feelings aside and made a decision to continue trusting God with our family planning but with one stipulation: 

“God, I’m trusting you not to hurt me.”

That’s what I told Him. I believed that if I trusted God, surrendering my anxieties to Him, he would honor my faith by saving my baby…allowing this “foreknowledge” to be nothing more than silly anxious thoughts.

CHAPTER 2: From Joy To Fear

In June of 2021, we found out that we were pregnant. We were so shocked and happy! I remember trying to surprise my husband and showing my baby boy the positive pregnancy test…trying to get my toddler to understand that he had a new brother or sister on the way. It was such a joyful moment!

But, that joy soon subsided into fear as I began to obsess and stress about losing my baby. 

I tried to silence the thoughts and take them captive. I tried to put them out of my mind but once again I just could not shake the feeling that my baby wasn’t going to make it.

CHAPTER 3: Holding On To Hope

The time came to go to my first sonogram and covid precautions were still very prevalent at the time, so my husband was unable to physically be at the sonogram, but he joined via FaceTime.

During my sonogram, it was estimated that I was about 5 weeks pregnant. The technician instructed us that it was too early to really see my baby or to find a heartbeat. She told me to come back in two weeks when I would have been about 7 weeks pregnant.

Two weeks later, on the morning of my sonogram, I woke up and just had this sinking feeling that the appointment was not going to go well. While in the shower I began to weep and weep. I was in so much emotional agony. I started to plead with God. To negotiate with him:

“God, please don’t take this baby!” “Don’t do this to me!” “If you do this I won’t be able to handle it! “I’ll lose my mind!” “I’ll fall into a dark depression!” “You can’t do this! Please!”

All of a sudden in the middle of my plea God spoke to my heart and said that the children He blesses me with are for His glory.

That revelation stopped me in my tracks because I had made this situation about me; about my feelings, my wants, and what I thought was fair. God reminded me that these were His children to do as He willed for their lives. It had nothing to do with my happiness at all.

I was immediately humbled, and in a sense, comforted. I knew at that moment that although I desperately wanted to, I couldn’t control whether this child lived or died, so I dried up my tears and went to my sonogram appointment.

Still, though, I hoped that God would honor my faith and obedience and would save my baby.

CHAPTER 4: Receiving Bad News

“I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.”

I stared at the sonogram screen as the words from the technician echoed in my ears. It felt like I was in an alternate reality.

My heart sank into the pit of my stomach and it began to race.

What did those words mean? Was it still too early? Was there some kind of mistake?

“There should be a heartbeat by now but there isn’t one. Maybe it’s still too early. Let me call your doctor and see what they would like for you to do. Please come to the next room.”

As I got off of FaceTime with my husband he tried his best to reassure me that everything would be ok. 

I got dressed and was ushered into a neighboring room while I waited to hear what my next steps would be. After a while, the technician came back in and told me that my doctor wanted to see me back in a couple more weeks to check me again in the hopes that it was still too early to detect the heartbeat.  

So I left. I left distraught and completely broken. I knew in my soul that it wasn’t “too early.”I knew I was losing my baby.

I couldn’t even drive myself home. I had to sit in the parking lot for a while to collect myself.

My husband was at work so I called my mom and just cried hysterically. In between sobs, she was trying to understand what the technician had told me and assured me that she would meet me at my house.

When I was finally able to pull myself together I headed home and sure enough, my mom was there waiting for me. 

My mom was trying her best to be positive and reassure me that nothing was set in stone yet, and that I needed to wait out the next two weeks to see the results of the sonogram. But, not even an hour after I left the sonogram I began to miscarry my baby and by the next day, my child was gone.

Although I had this “foreknowing” that I would lose my baby the reality of the situation sent me into a downward spiral.

How could God allow this to happen? I thought he was supposed to be good? Wasn’t he supposed to honor my faith and obedience?

Not only did my miscarriage affect me emotionally and physically but it affected me spiritually. I began to question everything that I had ever known about God.

CHAPTER 5: 3 Things God Taught Me During My Time Of Grief

I cried day and night for a week straight. I just couldn’t reconcile that God actually allowed me to lose my baby.

In my sorrow, I began to seek the scriptures. I desperately needed some answers – my faith in God was at stake.

During this time of grief, God pointed me to 3 significant revelations that I want to share with you.

Hebrews 13:8: God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 

I knew that I was at a crossroads in my faith. I had two choices, I could either walk away from God and believe that he actually wasn’t good and didn’t really love me, or, I could trust him and remember His character.

Although I didn’t understand why He allowed my baby to be taken from me, I had to trust that his character hadn’t changed, that he was the same yesterday as he was in my moment of anguish.

Isaiah 46:9 and Deuteronomy 32:39: There are no other Gods but Him.

I had to think back and remember who God was in my life. I had to recall all the things that he brought me through, the dangers he kept me from, and the unwavering love that he had shown me in the past.

I knew that who He was in my life before my miscarriage is who He has and will always be.

I realized that there was nowhere I could run, no other God I could pray to because there is no other God but Him

I remembered what He told me in the shower before I went to my second sonogram: “The children I give you are for my glory.”

It is Him who gives life and Him who takes life away; every life is a reflection of His glory.

Luke 22:42-44: Jesus understands our suffering.

One night when I was alone, crying and praying to God I asked Him, “Lord, the Bible says that Jesus understands what I’m going through but how could he? He’s a man! He’s never had a miscarriage, he couldn’t possibly understand my suffering!”

Then the Lord led me to read Luke 22:42-44 when Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane right before he was about to be crucified. Jesus said:

“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine…he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.”

When I read those verses, it hit me. Jesus understood what I was going through more than anyone else because he trusted God unto death. He was willing to die in order to walk in complete obedience.

Although Jesus was fully God he was also fully man and wanted so desperately to avoid the pain and shame that he was about to endure. It caused him so much anguish that he literally sweated blood.

Jesus foreknew that he would be crucified, and asked God to spare him, but lost his life anyway. In a similar way, I foreknew that I would lose my baby, and asked God to spare them, but lost my baby anyway. 

I realized at that moment, that I was not “special” or owed by God because I trusted him with my baby. And, Jesus’s obedience had way bigger implications than my obedience ever could.

That understanding freed me and increased my faith. I knew that Jesus not only understood my suffering but was walking with me, giving me the strength to endure it.

CHAPTER 6: Jesus Is Our Example

We live in a fallen world.

I will never fully understand why terrible, unfair things have to happen to us. Why at times it seems that God allows our hearts to be broken. But, what I do know is that He is worthy of our trust and our obedience.

Jesus’s sacrificial love changed the whole course of humanity. He covered our sins with his blood which has given us the opportunity to be reconciled with the Father. It’s because of his obedience that we have the gift of everlasting life. Though he wanted to be spared of suffering he endured it anyway, for us – there is no greater example of trust than that!

God helped me realize that the destiny of my second child was already determined before the foundation of the world. My baby’s life, no matter how short, lived out their purpose and was used by God for his glory.

God in his wisdom used my unborn child to teach me what trusting in Him really looks like. It’s without stipulations…it’s being willing to say, “not my will but your will be done, Lord.” It’s knowing the outcome, but still being willing to walk through whatever the situation is because God told you to do so and He knows what’s best for you.

It’s being like Jesus.

CHAPTER 7: God Can Be Trusted Because He Always Honors His Word

The day my body began to miscarry God revealed to me that He would bless me with more children and that it wouldn’t take long.

He delivered on that promise.

I miscarried my baby on July 31, 2021, by October of 2021 I was pregnant again and on June 18, 2022, I delivered a beautiful baby girl we lovingly named Triniti Joy Dixson.

The loss of my second baby taught me that no matter the situation, no matter what is known or unknown, no matter how many times God allows my heart to be broken in this life…

Yet, I will trust Him. 

“The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” – Job 1:21

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