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I Got Up, And I Lived

CHAPTER 1: Lost And Spiritually Broken

“I want to die.”

That’s what I thought as I held the knife up to my wrist. Shaking profusely, in emotional agony, I begged God to let me take my own life.

That’s right, I wanted to die.

I was emotionally drained, spiritually broken, and completely lost in my life. I was at a place where no one or anything could help me but Jesus Christ himself.

I’d be lying to you if I told you this was the first time I contemplated taking my own life. I previously daydreamed about the ways I could do it.

Walk into traffic?

No, because that could traumatize and ruin someone else’s life and I didn’t want to be the cause of another person’s pain.

Take a bottle of pills I had in my medicine cabinet?

No, because I Googled the ingredients and realized it wouldn’t even kill me. At best, I would’ve just died a slow painful death by poisoning myself. Not quite what I was going for…

CHAPTER 2: My Grace Is Sufficient For You

So there I stood, in my kitchen with a butcher knife up to my wrist. I decided I could no longer cope with my life. I was tired of feeling such overwhelming pain. It had become too much for me to bear.

Crying uncontrollably I yelled out to God,

” PLEASE let me do this, PLEASE Lord!”

I fell to my knees, I begged and pleaded with God…on the kitchen floor sobbing, sweating, broken, and no longer able to recognize the person I had become.

As I lie on the floor in the fetal position, hugging my fragile body, crying my heart out to Jesus, the Lord was near to me in my time of distress. He whispered 2 Corinthians 12:9 to my heart, “My grace is sufficient for you.”

CHAPTER 3: Surrender

You see, what I hadn’t realized is that the Lord was right there with me through my pain. He preserved my mind, never allowing me to stray too far from him. In my moment of affliction, I still had the mind to think through the consequences of my actions if I were to take my own life.

What I wanted wasn’t actually to die, what I wanted was peace and what I needed was Jesus.

He had to become my all and all, my everything.

I would never truly find joy until I came to the end of myself; until I gave up every piece of me to the one who had created me. 

I had to surrender.

CHAPTER 4: I Lived

The Lord has shown me immeasurable amounts of grace and mercy in my life and in my darkest moment, he reassured me that his grace was sufficient to carry me through my trials.

Through God’s power, I got up.

I got up off that floor. I put the knife back in its proper place. I dusted myself off, wiped my tears away then made a decision to trust God.

Things didn’t get better instantly, but they did get better over time.

Moment by moment, then minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day…I got up…

– and I lived.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741, or visit for additional resources.

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